Today i am feeling a bit bad. I have taken some very bad decisions in my life lately. And the resoning which i used in taking those decisions was really .... i don't like it. Basically why did i come to UCI ? When my seniors and now my juniors are going to the top 10 and 20 univs, and i took UCI. My reasoning was that i am not going to work in US so why does the university in US matters and I have IIT for india. But the bad part was the fear that even if i am graduating from the best university and then i am not able to perform according to the expextations, then its no use. I was basically a bit scared that after i pass from say the best univ. i would not be able to live up to the expectations from me. I thought that , then i would go to another very competitive place cause of the univ. and i would be stuck for ever under the pressure to perform. So i toned down my level. This way i can enjoy my life and work also. basically working at a level just below my capacity i would get such a lot of time for myself to live my life and think about things i want to do in my life and how i want it to go.
YES! i have got that but nooo ... this is not what i want.
I could have easily been in any top 10 univ., and yes it matters to me, it matters to me a lot. I am a person who wants only the best, compromises don't fascinate me at all. I have made some compromises earlier and i don't want them anymore. If there is a very hard path and a easy path and if one leads to 2nd place and the other to 1st, i want the hard path. I want to fight and fight my best to get what i want, so that when i get it ,if i get it, i am not half happy thinkng that "this was not actually what i wanted".
Coming to my decision of UCI, i should have gone for the medal and CPI , rather then thinking that carrer is that what's more important. Huuuh!! i had all the time in the world to build my career, but that medal was once in the life opportunity. I should have worked hard on my courses, BTP, sports, managment at IITg. I could have gone for a year of job at some company and then could have come to the best univ. in the world. That way i would have much better academic record, satisfaction of completing my work properly, and working in one of the best univ. of world.
A problem is that at times i have not beleived in myself. I had that ability when i joined Undergrad, i also had that ability when i joined masters. And yes, if you want to be at that level you have to work hard, everything dosen't come easy. Basically if you want to work at a level competitive for you, you have to strain yourself a bit. Don't run away ... face it.. its fun.
Lets see what i do now...